Response to Dear Abby: Do Guests Expect to Pay?

A recent Dear Abby column had a guest to a pre-wedding event perplexed. The guest had received an invite for "Manicure/Pedicure Party" for a friend who is getting married. The invitation the guests received stated, "Please join us for a manicure and pedicure in honor of the bride-to-be." After the guest left, she received a phone call from one of the hostesses stating that the guest had left without paying for her manicure and pedicure. The guest was floored. The guest had assumed since the invitation stated "Please join us" that the hostesses were paying. 

Our dilemma: how to address situations like this so as not to offend guests.

Our response: The column was vague on several details-was this a bachelorette party, a bridal shower, the pampering the day before the wedding, none of the above? 

• For bridal showers, guests are NEVER expected to pay their own way. If this was a bridal shower, then the hosts should have treated everyone.

• For bachelorette parties and pre-wedding pampering, it's fine to expect every guest to pay for themselves.  

• If you're hosting or throwing a party like this, clear up the confusion ahead of time. When guests call up to RSVP, politely remind them that a mani/pedi will be about $50 or so so they know they are expected to pay. This doesn't have to be included on the invite but guests should know ahead of time.

Can men come to a bachelorette party?

Bachlorette Party Etiquette

Q: The bride has several close male friends and some of the bridesmaids want to invite them to the bachelorette party. Do bachelorette parties have to be all females or can guys come?

A:  Bachelorette parties are typically all females and are used as a last girls night out before the bride becomes a Mrs. but of course parties can be different.  There's no right or wrong for the bachelorette party!

The bride decides who can come to her bachelorette party (or who gets invited at least.)  If the bride wants her closest male friends, her brothers, etc to be there, then she can definitely invite them. It's her party for her day after all!  Ask the bride if she wants her male friends there. 

There's different options for the bachelorette party:

-a girls only night out

-co-ed with the groom and groomsmen

-co-ed with the bride's male friends but not the groom

Invite the Bride's Co-workers to Bachelorette Party?

Bachlorette Party Etiquette

Q:We're putting together the guest list for the bride's bachelorette party and are wondering should we invite the bride's co-workers?

A: For both bachelorette parties and bridal showers, it's fine for the bride to have a say in the guest list.  This might be even more important with a bachelorette party.  Depending on what activities you're planning on doing and how close the bride is with her co-workers, the bride might or might not want her co-workers to be there.  The bride might be fine with her co-workers being at her bachelorette party if you're doing dinner and drinks, but might feel awkward at having her cubicle mates see her grinding with an exotic dancer.  (Remember also that guests shouldn't be invited to a bachelorette party if they're not invited to the wedding so if her co-workers aren't invited to the wedding skip the bachelorette party invites!)

Pay for Bachelorette Party when I'm not attending?

Bachlorette Party Etiquette

Q: I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding and won't be able to make the bachelorette party. I feel bad but am wondering-should I still help pay for the party?

A: Bachelorette parties are occasions where everyone who attends expects to chip in to pay for the party, even if they're not in the bridal party.

Since you're not attending the bachelorette bash, it's a nice gesture to contribute something to the costs of the party but is certainly not expected. Buy the girls a nice bottle of champagne or offer to pay close to what the other girls are paying for (i.e. help the rest pay for the limo for the bride.)

Pay for the bride for a destination bachelorette party?

Bachelorette Party Etiquette
Q: We're planning a trip to Vegas for the bachelorette party. Do we have to pay for everything for the bride?

A: Typically for the bachelorette party, the bridal party (and other guests) pay for everything for the bride. BUT when it comes to a destination bachelorette party the rules can be bent. After all, few guests can afford to shell out a few hundred (or thousands) of dollars for themselves plus someone else.

So, what to do?

1) Figure out what the trip will cost. For example, a flight to Vegas and 3 nights at the Bellagio will run you about $504. Add up the plane fare, hotel room, and cost of any activities that you have planned for your destination bachelorette party like manicures at a spa or the latest Cirque de Soleil show. Don't forget about meals, drinks, as well as taxes and fees.

2) Ask the other guests what they can afford and what they want to pay for the bride. It's a good idea to at least cover the plane and hotel room for the bride.

3) Make sure the bride knows what you are covering for her for the bachelorette party. If you explain that you are covering most expenses but can't cover everything most brides will understand. Just make sure she knows ahead of time so you can adjust your schedules if need be and maybe choose a cheaper bachelorette party.

Bachelorette Party Etiquette: Bridesmaids Underage/Under 21?

Q: What do we do we do when planning a bachelorette party when some of the bridesmaids are under 21? How should we include them?

A: A bachelorette party doesn't have to center around getting drunk. You can still have a bachelorette party with those under 21.

-Consult with the bride to find out how involved she wants her underage bridesmaids to be in in her bachelorette party. Some brides are fine with their bridesmaids missing a night out of partying. Others can't think of a having a last night out without their closest friends, sisters, or cousins.

-Come up with nontraditional bachelorette party ideas that the underage girls can still attend. There's lots of activities that the under-21 crowd can still enjoy-spa day, nice dinners out, cooking classes, outdoor activities like kayaking or beach trips.

-Consider having a half and half party where the under-21 girls can go out for a day of shopping and food, but leave after dinner so that the rest of the females can enjoy cocktails. Or plan two separate bachelorette parties-one for the under-21 crowd and one for the adults.

-Word of caution-Don't encourage the underage girls to drink alcohol. It's a a bad idea and there can be legal reprecussions for those who give them the alcohol.

Spa Bridal Shower & Bachelorette Parties Etiquette

Inspired by SpaFinder's new Everything Bridal section, we put together a list of FAQ about who pays for what when it comes to spa bridal showers and bachelorette parties.

On SpaFinder they asked, Who pays what when you go to the spa with your bridal party? Well the answer is it all depends.

Brides-If you want to treat your bridesmaids to some thoughtful pampering, then it could definately be your treat. Many brides use this as the equivalent of a bridal luncheon and do it the day before the wedding or day of the wedding. In this case, the bride would invite who she wants to be there and pays for it.

Bridal Shower-Instead of sitting around eating and opening presents, more and more people are having spa bridal showers. In this case, the host (typically the maid of honor and bridesmaids) pay for ALL the guests. Keep the cost in mind when choosing spa services and when inviting the guest list.

Bachelorette Parties-For bachelorette parties, its fine to have the guests pay their own way. Just make sure that the guests know this ahead of time.

Bachelorette Party Etiquette: Who Pays for the Entire Party?

Q: Should the MOH have to foot the bill for the entire bachelorette party? Should the bridal party pay for the bachelorette party?

A: With the exception of everyone paying for the bride, there are no set rules as to who pays for the rest of the bachelorette party. Usually, unless the bridesmaids are Paris Hilton, each guest pays for themselves and chips in evenly for the bride. This means each guest would be responsible for their own drinks, food, hotel room, etc, regardless if the guests are related to the bride or in the bridal party.

Make sure to let guests know in advance if the bachelorette party will be more expensive or if there are other charges. Ex. If the cover charge for the club is $30, let guests know that. If you're going to a spa and getting a package done for $250, let the guests know so they can make a financial decision about whether to go or not.