Bridal Shower Etiquette: Should we throw one for a pregnant bride?

Q: The bride is pregnant.  Should we still throw a bridal shower for the bride?

A:   Sure. A bride who is expecting can still have a wedding shower.  Of course, there might be some practical concerns for you (and the bride.)  Does the bride need baby stuff or household items more?  Many guests will likely only bring one or buy one even if there are separate bridal and baby showers, so the bride might prefer a baby shower.

Bridal Shower Etiquette: Does The Bridal Party Have To Buy Bridal Shower Gifts?

Q: Since we have to pay for the bridal shower, are we expected to buy a gift for the shower?
A:  Yes. As friends of the bride, and even though you're hosting the shower, bridesmaids are still expected to buy a gift for the shower.  Most bridesmaids chip in and buy one large item like the china from the wedding registry.  Of course, if money is tight you can do something smaller or more heartfelt. 

Bridal Shower Etiquette: Does the Bride Have To Open Up Gifts At Her Shower?

Q: The bride has said that she doesn't want to open up gifts at her shower.  Does the bride have to open up the gifts at the shower?

A: Yes, the bride has to open up the gifts at the shower.  We can understand why some brides don't want to-some feel uncomfortable with everyone "staring" at them while they're opening the presents or some don't want to feign enthusiam for the gifts.  However, the purpose of the bridal shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts.  As a result, it is definitely expected by most of the guests, if not all, that the bride will open them at the actual shower.  If the bride doesn't, many of the guests will find it rude. 

Another consideration-if the bride doesn't open up gifts, what will the guests do instead of  watching the gift opening? Some guests have said they feel weird if the bride doesn't open up the gifts and thought,  "uhh, what are we supposed to be doing?" If the bride isn't opening up gifts, it's just a lunch with females. 

Bridal Shower Etiquette: Invite Groom's Ex-wife to Bridal Shower

Q: The groom was married before. Should we invite his ex-wife to the bridal shower?

A: In this day and age of multiple marriages, dealing with ex's can be difficult.  This situation really depends.  If the groom and his ex are still close, and the bride feels comfortable, then inviting the ex-wife to the wedding is probably fine; however, it's best to steer clear and not invite an ex to the bridal shower. Chances are it would be too weird for everyone involved. 

Bridal Shower Etiquette: How Large Should the Shower Be?

Q: The bride gave us her guest list for the bridal shower. There's seventy people on it! Do we have to invite everyone to the shower?
A: No.  Wedding showers aren't intended to be just gift-grabbing parties-the original purpose is to let the bride celebrate with her closest friends and family. 

Our tip: go over the guest list with the bride and see if there are people she can leave out.  Tell her that you simply can't afford to invite everyone on her list and that you were planning a more intimate affair.  Who can be left out? Those the bride doesn't know well and those who are being invited to other showers, for starters.  And, of course, make sure that everyone on her list is being invited to the wedding.

Bridal Shower Etiquette: Should the Groom's Mother Help Pay?

Q: We're having a large bridal shower for the bride including inviting several members of the groom's family. Is it okay to ask the groom's mother to help pay for the shower?

A: No. The host of the bridal shower pays for the shower, not anyone else. As bridesmaids, you shouldn't expect anyone else, whether its the guests or the mother of the groom, to help foot the bill. By all means if she offers, feel free to accept, but she is under no obligation to help pay for the bridal shower.  

Of course, you're under no obligation to invite the groom's family to the shower. 

Bridal Shower Etiquette: Should the bride's mother pay?

Q: We're having a large bridal shower for the bride. Is it okay to ask her mother to help pay for the shower?
A: No.  The host of the bridal shower pays for the shower, not anyone else. As bridesmaids, you shouldn't expect anyone else, whether its the guests or the mother of the bride, to help foot the bill.  By all means if she offers, feel free to accept, but she is under no obligation to help pay for the bridal shower. 

Bridal Shower for Couples who live together?

Q:The bride and groom have lived together for a few years. One of the other bridesmaids said they don't need anything and she doesn't want to throw them a bridal shower for that reason. Should we?

A: There's nothing wrong with a couple who is co-habitating or living together having a bridal shower. Of course, a practical reason for couples not to have a shower is that they don't need anything. However, there's other options: make it a themed shower like stock the bar or lingerie or make it a no-gifts party.  But don't let the fact that the bride and groom are living together stop them from having a shower.

Cash Only Bridal Showers?

Q:The bride and groom haven't registered anywhere-they don't want any gifts for the wedding and only want cash. Since the bride hasn't registered, should we still have a bridal shower or is it rude?

A: Cash only wedding showers are considered rude. Many guests feel that if the bride doesn't want gifts then she shouldn't have a bridal shower since the bridal shower is the only wedding occasion when guests are EXPECTED to give gifts. Besides the actual shower would be boring-"Thanks Aunt Theresa for the fifty. Thanks Karen for $35. "

• If the couple really don't need anything, then think about a specific theme shower, like stock the bar or lingerie. The bride might not have been thinking of items like that when she didn't register.
• Don't put cash-only on the shower invites. It's incredibly rude-if you decide to throw her a shower anyways, let the guests ask you where the couple is registered and then you can tell them that you think they just want money.
• Don't have a shower at all.  Showers are for gifts-if the couple really don't need or want anything, then skip the shower. 

Response to Dear Abby: Do Guests Expect to Pay?

A recent Dear Abby column had a guest to a pre-wedding event perplexed. The guest had received an invite for "Manicure/Pedicure Party" for a friend who is getting married. The invitation the guests received stated, "Please join us for a manicure and pedicure in honor of the bride-to-be." After the guest left, she received a phone call from one of the hostesses stating that the guest had left without paying for her manicure and pedicure. The guest was floored. The guest had assumed since the invitation stated "Please join us" that the hostesses were paying. 

Our dilemma: how to address situations like this so as not to offend guests.

Our response: The column was vague on several details-was this a bachelorette party, a bridal shower, the pampering the day before the wedding, none of the above? 

• For bridal showers, guests are NEVER expected to pay their own way. If this was a bridal shower, then the hosts should have treated everyone.

• For bachelorette parties and pre-wedding pampering, it's fine to expect every guest to pay for themselves.  

• If you're hosting or throwing a party like this, clear up the confusion ahead of time. When guests call up to RSVP, politely remind them that a mani/pedi will be about $50 or so so they know they are expected to pay. This doesn't have to be included on the invite but guests should know ahead of time.

Are Pampered Chef bridal showers tacky?

Q: We've heard of people doing Pampered Chef bridal showers and were thinking of doing them for our bride's wedding shower. Are they considered "okay" from etiquette standards? What do people think?
A: At first glance, parties like Pampered Chef, Mary Kay, Lia Sophia, Tastefully Simple, purse parties, or "toy" parties, can be a nice change of pace from other bridal showers. For one, it helps lower the cost of the party and be the entertainment for the shower. However, the general consensus is that these parties are bad etiquette and shouldn't be done.

Most of these showers work this way: they are much like a typical party except the bride has picked put a registry or wishlist for guests to purchase from. The guests though can pick items for themselves too. 

Some tips to consider:

• Is the bride crazy about the products? If the bride has never even heard of a PartyLite candle, her shower might be the wrong place to introduce her. And, of course, she might have strong feelings about the products-many people have a surprisingly strong love/hate relationship with some of the items being offered for sale.

• These parties tend to put the guests on the spot. Yes, we all know that at wedding showers, the guests bring gifts but guests have freedom to buy the gifts wherever they want to-usually by having these type of showers, the guests typically buy something from the party going on which limits the choices. What about those guests who wanted to give fine china or make an item personal?

• Many people in general have strong feelings about these home parties. We all know people who always turn down invites to the parties simply because they don't like the products, don't like sales pitches, or have another personal preference (like preferring MAC cosmetics over Mary Kay.) These guests might be conflicted and feel like they have to attend and buy something.

• If the bride does like the items, she could always set up a registry. Party companies like Pampered Chef and Longaberger allow brides to set up gift registries so brides can still get the items they want without the party or the sales pitch.

Invite Groom's Female Friends to the Bridal Shower?

Q: The groom has several close female friends. Should we invite them to the bridal shower?

A: Traditionally, a "bridal" shower is for the bride and her close female relatives and friends (and often female relatives on the groom's side, too.)  Now in this case, ask the bride if she wants the groom's friends to be there. Does the bride consider them to be friends-does she hang out with them, does she know them well, or does the groom know them from, say, work? If the bride considers these friends to also be her friends, then feel free to invite them. If the bride still thinks of them as "his" friends, then it might be better to not invite them.

One option to resolve this is to consider having a couples shower where male friends of the bride and female friends of the groom could both come and celebrate.

Is Potluck Okay for a Bridal Shower?

Q: We're trying to keep costs down and were thinking of doing a potluck for the bridal shower food.  One of the bridesmaids said she thought it was tacky.  Is it considered okay?

A: Potluck is not okay from an etiquette standpoint for a bridal shower. A wedding shower is the only wedding-related event where a guest is expected to bring a gift. Asking the guests to also bring food is considered inappropriate and tacky.

Besides the etiquette issues, potluck always presents other problems. Where will you keep the food until it's ready to be served?  What about allergies to food? What about guests who live an hour or so away from the shower venue-how are they expected to keep dishes cold or hot?

Of course, one option is to have the bridal party do the potluck; this would be okay as the guests are not bringing the food. 

Should junior bridesmaids pay for a bridal shower?

Bridal Shower Etiquette 

Q: Does the junior bridesmaid have to pay for the bridal shower?

A: Junior bridesmaids, who are between the age of 9 to 14 years old, are not expected to throw or pay for wedding showers.  It's unreasonable to expect a girl that young to pay when she realistically can't even work.  However, the junior bridesmaid definitely could be invited to the bridal shower, depending on her age, maturity, and the theme.  If the junior bridesmaid is old enough to, then she could help out with other parts of the shower rather than simply paying by helping set-up, make favors, and make food.

Wedding Shower for Justice of Peace Weddings/Elopements?

Bridal Shower Etiquette

Q: I'm friends with a couple who are eloping by going to see a justice of the peace.  Friends of ours have suggested that we throw a bridal shower for the bride.  Is this okay even though they are not having a traditional wedding?

A: It depends.  If the couple are still planning on having a reception or party to celebrate the wedding, then having a bridal shower for the bride would still be acceptable as long as the guests to the shower are invited to the reception or party.  Many couples forgo the church or traditional ceremonies or choose to have a private, intimate ceremony (and of course many couples do this to save money.) 

If the couple aren't having a reception or party for their wedding, though, then skip the bridal shower and instead consider throwing a party for the couple instead. 

Bridal Shower the day before a destination wedding?

Bridal Shower Etiquette

Q: Should we throw a bridal shower the day before a destination wedding? The bride has asked us to, as this way all of the guests will be able to attend. The only problem is that we are already throwing one shower before.

A: Ah, throwing a shower the day before a wedding might seem like a good idea for a bride whose family is across the country and coming in. However, having a shower the day before is most likely a recipe for disaster.

-One shower is enough.  If you're already throwing the bride one shower, then many of the same guests will be invited to this one which is an etiquette no-no.

- Having the shower the day before a wedding does seem to make sense but logistically presents many problems. The guests will have to bring their gifts to the wedding destination, which might mean lugging a new bedspread across the country or having to pay extra fees on the airline for bringing extra packages on the flight.  Then there's the issue of bringing the gifts back to the bride and groom's house-they'll have to lug all of the gifts back home.

-If the bride wants to give out-of-town guests something to do, tell the bride to try the latest trend and have a rehearsal dinner after-party. Or all of the guests who are there can attend the rehearsal dinner.

Invite out-of-town guests to the shower?

Bridal Shower Etiquette: Invite Out-of-town guests who can't make it?
Q: The bride's guest list includes lots of out of town guests, many who live in different states and who would have to fly to get here. Needless to say, we don't expect any of them to come. If we invite them, does it seem as though we invited them just for presents?

A:Feel free to invite out of town guests. They are under no obligation to send a gift and many will feel honored that they were invited to the shower. Just be warned though-don't assume that every guest will say no. Many guests who are close to the bride will fly in just for a shower so make sure there is room at the shower if they decide to go.

Bridal Shower Etiquette: Out-of-Town Bridesmaid Still Pay for Bridal Shower?

Q: I live out of town while the other bridesmaids all live near the bride. They're planning a bridal shower for her, which I won't be able to attend. (I can't afford the plane ticket for just a weekend.) As an out-of-town bridesmaid, should I still pay for the bridal shower?

A: Ah, tough questions. When we become bridesmaids, we know that we are expected to throw a bridal shower and bachelorette party. Most of us figure on the cost when we agree to be bridesmaids. That being said, its a great gesture if you voluntarily agree to help the other bridesmaids pay for the shower. Think of it this way, it isn't fair that the other bridesmaids should have to contribute additional money to compensate for you not being there.

Of course, you might want to help with some of the planning still if this makes you feel as though you are involved. Most of us don't like paying for something that we don't have a hand in. Ask the other bridesmaids if you can help pick out invites, food, decorations, etc if this helps you feel as though you are now a host too.

Bridal Shower Etiquette: Should we include registry info with the invites?

Q: Do we include where the bride registered at with the bridal shower invitations?

A: Yes. Bridal showers are the only wedding-related place where it's okay to include gift-giving information. Feel free to place the registry cards with the bridal shower invite. Note: never place the registry info with the wedding invites. Of course, guests who are RSVPing will also ask where the bride is registered.

Bridal Shower Etiquette: Invite the same guests to multiple bridal showers?

Q: Can we invite the same guests to multiple bridal showers? We're throwing a shower, the groom's mom is throwing one, and another friend of the bride is hosting one. There's some overlap. Is this okay?

A: Simply put-no! Bridal showers are an event where the guests are expected to bring gifts and inviting them to more than one just looks like a big gift-grab. However, there are a few exceptions:

-The bridal party and the MOB should be invited to every bridal shower. However, they don't have to give a gift at each shower.
-Suggest that the bride combine the guest lists or do separate lists for each shower.